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On my way back from Miami I picked up Chelsea Handler’s book ‘My Horizontal Life: A Collection of One-Night Stands’ and I think I may have pissed off the guy next to me because I was laughing out loud the entire 6 hour flight back. I love Chelsea, she’s a genius. Here are just a few quotes I liked… “I think we can all agree that sleeping around is a great way to meet people. Furthermore, sleeping around with midgets is a great way to meet midgets. The great thing about sleeping with a midget is that first you get to have sex with them and then you can use them as a pillow.” (It should be noted that Chelsea is the least prejudiced person on earth and shares hosting duties on her E! TV show CHELSEA LATELY with Chuy Bravo, her ‘little nugget’ ) “It’s my personal belief that if men are writing poems, they’re making up for something else. Like a big hairy back, or one ball. Not that one ball is a bad thing. Especially since I don’t know any females who are dying to get their hands on a set of balls. The way I see it, the less balls the better.” “When I told Ivory the next morning about how small his penis was, she said, “Gosh, Chels, you didn’t need to leave him there, he could have been good at other things.” “Like what?” I asked her, …. ”Math?”” “I used to live with a twenty-eight-year old virgin. That’s right. Not a Mormon, not a religious thing, just plain stupid.” “There are two kinds of people I don’t trust: people who don’t drink and people who collect stickers.” “I was struggling to come up with ways to get him to leave, but I was too exhausted. I tried to fart, but nothing came out.” “He responded with a scream that sounded similar to a cat getting gangbanged.” Chelsea’s version of ‘The Bachelor’ – “It would involve me having sex with all the contestants and then eliminating them based on their penis size.” If you have never seen Chelsea’s stand-up or read one of her books I HIGHLY recommend you do. And since we are on the topic of funny things, I thought I might share with you a few pics from the other night out that about sum up my existence, lol. One is INCREDIBLY UN-FLATTERING, but sometimes you have to make fun of yourself. Haha.

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ARE YOU THERE CHELSEA HANDLER? IT’S ME, TURK